:: even if the healing doesn't come ::

I fully admit that I am a black and white kind of person. Someone who functions well with cause and effect and who is deeply justice-oriented in all things. Which in my mind means that x + y = z every time. If a = b x c, then it does. As much as I don't like math, numbers will turn out the same result every time. You can mess with the numbers all you want but they will not come out differently than their inherent value within the equation. Unsurprisingly, it doesn't work that way with people. There are thousands of variations, possibilities, and unforeseen circumstances, much of it human and some of it divine. So what happens when x + y doesn't equal z? What about when you end up with a different answer and now you don't know how to react or what to do or say? 

In the last few years, I have struggled with doing the right thing but not getting the desired results. I did what I know and believe is the right thing. Why didn't the other person say 'sorry, that was wrong'? Why didn't the circumstances change? I tried to turn towards someone and offer a solution. I attempted to fix things and see if I could smooth it over so it could keep going. I gave quality time, energy, and grace in the hard moments. Why didn't things work out the way I wanted, hoped, longed for? 

Because we aren't promised that. 

God never said that if we did what was right, we would get our way. He never said if you say these words and do these actions, then the circumstances will line up and the result will be __________. 

So what if the healing doesn't come? 

What if I'm still left hurting and angry? 

What if I'm bearing shame and guilt? 

What if things seem to get worse? 

What if it feels like the world is falling apart? 

Art by Anthony Gurrola
What if I lose someone or something I love? 

Will I still do what is right even if I don't get the desired outcome?

Do I have faith that the Lord sees and knows and holds it in His hands even if it all seems wrong? Honestly, there are days when I really don't know and it feels too overwhelming. The anxiety feels crushing and the pain stabs deep. I cry out to Him that I don't have the strength, the grace, the capacity, the emotions, the mental space, the intelligence. To which He replies, "you don't need to. Everything you need will come from me if you'll receive it." I know that in my head. But in my heart, I ask, "do I still believe even if they never recover? Do I still trust even if my heart gets broken? Do I still have faith even if my world is shattered? Even if... even if... even if..." There are always more "even ifs" so what do I do? 

It's called integrity, defined by C.S. Lewis as "doing the right thing even when no one is watching."

You do the right thing even if it doesn't give you the longed for results. This is incredibly hard for me because of my black and white outlook and clinging to cause and effect. I have a deeply rooted justice mindset which has many strengths, one of which is that I see what's wrong and immediately want to fix it. This is how I fix it so why isn't it working? Why do I have to watch people I love suffer in the midst of it? Why must I watch the evils and horrors around me when they don't have to happen? I may never receive the answers and even if I did, who knows if they would satisfy me? I must live with the mystery and the not knowing, instead choosing to trust, believe, and have faith. The righteous anger and discouraging cynicism fighting for emotional and mental dominance within me. 

Even if justice doesn't occur in my lifetime. 

Even if I have to pick up the pieces. 

Even if I never fully understand. 

Even if my heart breaks and my world shakes.

I'm doing what's right. I'm putting one foot in front of the other and doing what I have been called to. I'm seeking opportunities and means to fight back against systemic issues. I'm holding to my boundaries and advocating for myself and others. I'm listening, supporting, asking for help, loving, laughing, and being present. Most of the times, it feels so small and unimportant. And I still get frustrated when it feels like the healing doesn't come. But I'm still doing what is right even if. 

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