::the most ironic class of my college career::

I've just embarked on my junior year so even though I have a year and a half of college to go I think I can still safely stand by my post title. The class I'm referring to is entitled, "The Neurobiology of Stress".  You may be laughing already and that's totally okay. It is an upper level biology class that I am taking to satisfy part of my science gen-ed requirement. The subject material is fascinating though I admit to being a little lost in the details of how the systems work since it's been 5 to 6 years since I took biology in high school. But the irony of my current state of life and the subject material of this class is too much for me. In most situations, you can choose to laugh or cry and I usually prefer to laugh as seen through all of the pictures I have chosen for this post.

Nobody told me how stressful junior year would be. And maybe it isn't actually, it's just mine in particular. But I've been at a fairly high stress level since the school year started which is abnormal for me. I like to have everything under control and running smoothly so when I get stressed, my coping mechanism is to figure it out so that everything works out. This year has changed that. I feel like I do not have enough time to adequately do all of the things that I want do such as exercising, doing ALL of my homework, taking Sabbath, spending time with my friends, resting, and enjoying my extracurricular activities. Nothing terrible has happened yet. My time management skills are simply being used to the max and things aren't getting done to my satisfaction. I'm not doing all of my assigned reading (which is killing me a little on the inside) and some of my homework is being neglected in order to work on other homework.

The Peanuts cartoon rings too true for me. The past two weeks, it has felt like my anxieties have anxieties. I've woken up with this weight on my chest that I can't get rid of. My stomach has been tied up in knots and I don't want to eat. For a few minutes, I forget it all while talking to a friend or laughing at a joke but then the burden comes back down on me again. It has felt perpetual and it hurts. I wish that I could shrug it off but once one assignment is over, another is waiting to claim my attention and energy. It seems to be never-ending and I live for the weekends and evenings which allow me to do things like... study some more, write more, and do more homework. This past week was my insane week with tests and assignments, which I'm incredibly thankful is over but junior year as a whole has still been difficult academically in terms of balancing everything.

So in this neurobiology of stress class, I'm learning things like what happens to your metabolism when you're stressed. You eat more or less. Your body has a set point for weight so when you're stress-eating, it doesn't do too much harm to you as long as you don't do it for long periods of time because your body will try to bring your weight back to your set point. Isn't that fascinating? I'm learning about how you can sleep but not feel rested because of stress which then affects your sleep and you get stuck in this horrible cycle. I'm learning that if you release too much cortisol for long periods of time, you can damage your brain. I'm learning all these things as I'm living most of them out. So I know what's going on inside my body as I am trying to deal with the consequences. Is it biology or psychology? Both! I'm a whole person who is attempting to hold together her mess of a life. Am I being a little cynical here? Probably, please forgive me. I think the stress is getting to me...

But thinking on the bright side, perhaps it is a test of fire. A test of whether or not I'm willing to surrender to the Lord. To trust that everything will be okay in the end even though things aren't working out the way I want them to. To rest in the fact that classes, homework, and my grades aren't everything. To trust that God will sustain me through long hours of studying in the library and staying up "late" (relatively speaking) at night. To rely on His strength when I have none of my own left. To keep putting one foot in front of the other and knowing that He is the one guiding my path. He wants to see if I am worthy. I wonder if I am withstanding the fire or cracking underneath the heat? I'm so imperfect and broken yet the Lord still loves me and has been and is caring for me in my stressed out, sleep deprived, anxious, and restless state. I've made it through this past insane week for which I'm very thankful. Only 4 weeks to go until fall break... May 'Kyrie eleison' (Lord, have mercy) be the cry of my heart.

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