::read • i • ness::

(author's note: this conversation is slightly paraphrased due to an imperfect memory. For context, it was held the day I left for Spain)

This is straight-up how I function. No lie.
Me: "Do you think anyone is ever ready for something that they're about to do?"
Friend: *laughter* (kind, not mean)
Me: "Why are you laughing at me?"
Him: "That's a very vulnerable question. Indirect but vulnerable. Do you not feel ready?"
Me: "No, I don't. But I don't know that I ever have been on any of my adventures."
Him: "Our definition of ready usually means being without fear. But if readiness can include fear and anxiety, sometimes a lot of fear and anxiety, then you can be ready. Being ready can be being committed and doing what you know is right and what God has called you to. Being ready is also being prepared for what is to come, not just physically but also emotionally. It depends on how you define 'ready'."
*silence*
Me: "I think you're right."

It's been exactly 2 weeks since I landed in Spain. Honestly, I'm not sure I'm more or less "ready" now than I was then, standing in the Madrid airport gripping my suitcase and taking in the fact that I was actually in Spain. This is because unconsciously, my definition of readiness and being ready has always meant being free of fear. I would be 100% confident, prepared within an inch of my life, and raring to go. Honestly, I don't think that has ever happened to me about anything in my 20 years of existence. I tend to err on the cautious side. I over-analyze and over-think things, sometimes to a detrimental degree. I have less confidence in myself than others do in me. What gets me through tough things is partly my stubbornness, partly my trust in the Lord's calling, and partly stepping out in faith. That doesn't mean it's easy. On the contrary, it's usually quite difficult especially at a time like now when I'm living in a foreign country for the next 5 months.

So what is my definition of "ready"? The dictionary defines it as being "prepared physically or mentally for some experience or action". Readiness comes up as "a state of being ready and able to deal with what might or will happen." But neither says anything about fear or anxiety. The very real fear and anxiety that is within my heart. But it also doesn't say anything about excitement or anticipation. There has been a lot of build-up and preparation for this experience. It's not something to be taken lightly. Perhaps being "ready" and possessing "readiness" can encapsulate all of the emotions swirling around in my heart. It doesn't have to be just one or another. It doesn't have be the total absence of fear or the entirety of confidence. If I waited for either of those, I would never go or do anything!

A reminder to come to the cross in and with all things
As happens constantly in my world I am surrounded by words, attempting to choose them carefully and to define them wisely. The core of this self-musing is how I view read • i • ness. How am I reading myself? How does my relationship with God fit into it? Where am I projecting the standards of the world? Where am I looking to my own unrealistic expectations? I choose my definition to be one that encases my fear of the unknown, my anxiety that everything will go smoothly, my excitement about a new adventure, my preparation beforehand, and my trust that God's got me no matter where I go or what I do.

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