::saudade - the love that remains::

Have you ever felt that emptiness within you when you're missing someone or something? Yet perhaps it is mixed with the gratitude of having had that thing or person in your life? If so, you are like the wives and children of Portuguese sailors who would often sail away and never be heard from again. These women and children suffered profoundly in the absence of their husbands and fathers. The Portuguese coined the term, saudade, to describe what that emotion was, a mixture of sadness and happiness, of melancholic longing and gratitude. A difficult translation from Portuguese to English but a sentiment universally felt (in my personal opinion).

When my friend first explained to me the word, saudade, I immediately thought of these two quotes:

Both A.A. Milne and Alfred Lord Tennyson attempted to capture what it's like to be both happy and sad over the absence of someone or something in your life. Which is a seeming paradox but our human hearts are capable of feeling more than our feeble words can express. But I'm going to try because saudade has been a part of my life ever since I was 12 years old and we moved from Portland, Oregon to Deering, New Hampshire and because now I have a word to somewhat encapsulate my turbulent emotions around absence, love, goodbyes, relationships, grief, gratitude, and mourning over something or someone that has gone out of my life and may never return.

Most recently, I've been feeling saudade about my time at Wheaton and the relationships I made there. The first few weeks immediately after graduation were rough as I dealt with the overwhelming emotions of leaving a place I'd come to call "home", saying goodbye to friends and not knowing if I'll see them again on this side of heaven, and yet trying to hold my head up for the next chapter of my life. You know, normal post-grad stuff. I missed my friends terribly and I still do, though it's not as strong as it was those first couple weeks.

A Portuguese painting titled,
"Saudade"

The sadness of saudade was/is very present for me. I'm still learning about grieving and how it is healthy for you as long as you don't let it consume you. It was/is only natural I grieve over the loss of one of my homes, a community I was intricately part of, and the friends I deeply cared about. Temporary community always has the ramifications of saudade which is one of its beautifully melancholic qualities. Wheaton was one of the most difficult and growing temporary communities I've participated in. I mourn over the emptiness in my life Wheaton used to fill and that's okay. What I can't do is dwell in the past and continually relive the memories. I can't always wish to be somewhere else or to fantasize about "what was" instead of living in the "what is". I believe God is very present in saudade and that He emotes with me in the feelings of bittersweetness, of heart longing, of melancholy, and of grief. But He doesn't advocate that I dwell perpetually in the sadness. Instead I believe He encourages me to focus being thankful.

Gratitude is amazing because true gratitude points me back to the Lord, the One who has given me everything. What more can I do except say "thank you"? I said this in my last post but I'm so grateful for Wheaton and all I received from it the past 4 years. It hurts to think about Wheaton yet I'm also happy because I had and continue to have all those memories, experiences, laughter, and joy. It's not all rose-colored, don't worry. I still remember the homework, stress, and feeling like I didn't have enough time in the day. It's a deeper gratitude for the time we did have together, the 'kindred spirit' friendships, the years filled with growth, and the fact that Wheaton was/is a significant part of my life.

Do you get what I'm saying? A profound part of saudade is the simple happiness of having loved and been loved even if that person/thing is not present with you anymore. The love remains which can be joyful sometimes and melancholic other times. My love remains for Wheaton, for my friends, for the experiences, for the things I did, for the ministries I was involved in, for the conversations I had, and for all God blessed me with in that time. I can't go back and my time at Wheaton will never return which is heartbreaking in its own way. That absence is deeply felt but the joy of keeping in touch, praying for my friends, and loving them from afar is very much present.

So you are currently feeling or have felt saudade, know that you are not alone. Grieve and mourn that which has passed but remember to be thankful that it happened and for the relationship(s) you have now. Reach out to that person and let them know you're thinking about them and that you care about them. We have a great high priest who knows what saudade feels like and who invites us to approach His throne of grace with confidence. We may receive grace and mercy to help us in our time of need. (Hebrews 4:14-16, paraphrased)

If you want to understand more about saudade, I recommend these two links:
http://www.sarahwilson.com/2014/10/a-beautiful-word-saudade/ 
https://www.huffingtonpost.com/laurie-burrows-grad/saudade_b_10611606.html