::being the pursuer AND the pursued::

I believe we all want to be pursued and I'm not talking about fleeing for your life. I'm talking about continuing to be in relationship with someone and not necessarily romantically. In our overstimulated world with a million distractions, it's easy to let friends slip through the cracks. I'm totally guilty of it as well. I realize I haven't texted a friend in a month; I haven't checked in to see how someone is doing, or whatever. In those moments I have to decide if I'll fight for the relationship by pursuing them. I'm happy to do so because I care about them but I also wish my friends would reciprocate and do the same for me. Since if you're always pursuing by asking to get a meal, to hang out, to have a chat, it feels a bit one-sided. You begin wondering what kind of relationship you have and whether or not that person really wants to be with you. I don't believe that's insecurity necessarily but possibly an evaluation of whether or not that's a healthy relationship. Maybe you need to let it go which can be super painful but sadly, it's also a part of life. I've been there. I've had to do it more times than I'd like. I feel your sadness and pain and I'm sorry.

 Lyrics from 'Reckless Love' by Cory Asbury

In college, whether because of who I was/am as a person or due in part to my social introversion, I was almost always the one initiating doing something with my friends. I constantly texted people asking to get meals. I dropped by people's apartments and houses to say hi. I invited friends to accompany me to events. If you're a college friend reading this, I'm not throwing shade on you rather I'm stating my point of view, which is that I was the initiator 99% of the time. I rarely was not the organizer of an event or received a text asking if I'd like to get a meal. I had to pursue people, especially because I knew if I didn't, I wouldn't have time with that person. I don't regret initiating or spending time with my friends. On the contrary, I'm grateful for those hours, conversations, laughter, and memories. However, if I'm honest, I wish more of my friends had reached out to me. I want to know I am worthwhile, loved, and appreciated, just like anybody else. I long to know that you love me, that you see me, that you enjoy spending time with me. That you like being my friend.

I'm also a listener by nature and a pretty good one, humbly speaking. I've had a LOT of practice over the years. I'm good at asking questions, getting to the heart of things, finding things out about people, and drawing them out especially if they're quieter or more reserved. Then I listen. I listen to how work is going, what they're feeling, stories from the past, what's frustrating or painful, whatever comes flowing out. But afterwards I want the tables to turn. I want you to ask me questions, to listen to me, to let me speak about what's on my heart. The difficulty with being a listener and being friends with many extroverts or perhaps just people in general, is that that doesn't happen as often as I would wish. If you're a listener, you know exactly what I'm talking about. One of the greatest gifts we can give people is time and when you give them the time to be heard, they will take it and run with it. Which is not a bad thing but I guarantee your listener will always appreciate it if you reciprocate in kind to them. I don't mean asking them how their day was and then turning the conversation straight back to you because in the end, that's not really a conversation. That's more like a monologue with injected responses from your listener and I'm no fan of those.

We as fallen humans are incredibly self-focused. We start talking about our own selves, experiences, stories, thoughts, advice, and do we ever stop to think about the other person? That they might want to say more than asking a clarifying question, prompting another story, or reacting to what we're saying? Maybe we do but more often than not, we don't. I'm guilty of it too. However, what happens to me far more frequently is that I'll be in conversation with someone and I'll begin a topic or ask about something pertinent to their lives, they'll answer, the conversation carries on and is great. Yet I don't get asked about my life, how I'm doing, a recent event I attended, etc. I can count the amount of questions a friend has directly asked me on one hand. I'm not looking for big deep questions necessarily, even just small talk stuff. Nope, not often, not regularly. Try it. Pay attention the next time you have a conversation with a decently close friend, see how often they ask about something specifically related to you, your health, job, family, life, etc. For your sake, I hope your friends do ask you about those kinds of things and show they care. I pray they allow you the space to speak and be heard and that you do the same for them.

Prayer, journaling, and internal processing are all good practices and I do them. Yet I still need someone to listen to me and be there for me too. So my plea to you, my readers, is to pursue your friends, initiate something fun with them, and above all, truly listen to them. Give them the gift of yourself, your time, and your ears, which means ultimately, giving them a piece of your heart. It will mean a world to them even if they never say anything. Please be the pursuer not just the pursued because if we all do that, I believe the world will be a slightly better place.