::take me, spare them::

She's frozen in place. She's curled up in a ball. She stands, alternately weeping and shaking her fist at the world. Or does she? A dispassionate observer would think her demeanor ordinary and would see no tears rolling down her cheeks. All is within. The unshed tears could create a lake and the anger builds up smoldering dangerously like a volcano with no eruption. The injustice of this broken world grieves her heart. The helplessness of her position causes deep anguish. She understands with a gut punch-like feeling what John 15:13 says, “Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends.” She would do anything to relieve them from this pain. She would give her very self if that's what it took to protect them from what is happening.

To them and to herself, she laments, “My child. My children. No, I’m not your biological mother but I’ve cared for, nurtured, protected, and loved you for as long as I can remember. You are mine. We are tied together even more by the bonds of tragedy and sorrow. This is our story now.” 

She is frustrated by the distance separating her from them and the knowledge that even if she were near, she could do nothing. She prays desperately that they will recover someday and that healing will come to them but the persistent worry won't leave her eyes.
She asks her God the centuries-old cry, "why? Why must they bear this? These precious growing up years should not be marred by this kind of tragedy and agony. Their hearts and lives are being torn apart before my eyes and I shudder to think of the damage being done. This isn't the way it's supposed to be. I know Your heart drives over this even more than mine. Please... help."

She pleads with the world, with God, with whoever out there might be listening.

Here I am, Lord, take me

Spare them

Give me the pain, the weight, the sorrow

Leave them alone

Put these grievous burdens on my shoulders

I don’t know how or if I’ll make it but
I'd rather it be me than them

Let me deal with the questions,

be the one sent to therapy,

undertake the heartache,

shed the tears,

live with the fall out

I wish the consequences could fall on me

then
they could be the way they were,

live the life they used to live

I love them enough 
to want to spare them

the pain that takes my breath away

I’d sacrifice myself in a heartbeat

if only the blows wouldn’t fall on them

Isn’t that what true love is?

Hear my cry
Kyrie eleison

The anger and grief intermingle in her shuddering voice. She collapses to her knees because she has nowhere else to turn. She’s not sure who to talk to or what to talk about. She knows some of the right things to do but moving mountains would be easier than doing them. She frets about burdening people and putting unnecessary pressure on those she cares about. She anxiously internalizes and over-analyzes far more than is good for her and she knows it. 
So maybe what she needs to do is to stand up and fight. Maybe what she needs to do is put on her armor and take up her sword with her courage in hand. Though it is far easier to curl up in a corner and remain silent. Perhaps the time has come for her voice to be heard and she needs to speak. She doesn't know how and she's scared to pieces. This is more than terrifying than anything she's done before but she has them to fight for and they are worth more than anything else.

"Courage, dear heart"

Maybe love means doing the hard thing(s). Maybe love means putting herself forward and battling through the messiness. Maybe love means throwing herself into the fray and staying in it rather than running away. Maybe love means facing her deepest fears and wounds, and ultimately, confronting her sinful self. Maybe love means remembering Who is fighting by her side every step of the way. Maybe love is living in the manner of the One who gave His life for her and for them. Maybe love is turning her eyes upon Him rather herself and her selfish desires. Maybe love is discernment between when to fight the evil and when to surrender to the Sovereign King. What she does know is that she's called to love wholeheartedly and completely. Therefore, she vows to try and do so faithfully.