::why i live in a hyphen::

Hyphens are crucial when you are playing a word game like Catch Phrase or Scattergories because they can make two words into one word or at least, give you enough leeway to convince your opponents that they do. They're also used for putting between people's last names, writing numbers out, etc. At this point, you might be thinking, "oh, great. Is she really writing a whole post about grammar? Give me a break." Yes, this is about grammar and no, I'm going to talk more about than punctuation. The use of a hyphen is crucial to my identity. First, let me tell you a short real life story.

Recently, I went to the dentist and the hygienist, a Latino guy, conversationally asks what my ethnic background is and I tell him Chinese-American. He proceeds to ask if I speak Chinese, an incredibly common question for me, and I say no. He replies, "well, then you're just American. People tell me they're Mexican and they don't speak Spanish so I say [to them] then you're simply American."

I did not tell him off in the moment though it did cross my mind. However, due to my inbred civility and the fact he was working on my teeth, I held my tongue. But now I'm going to vent slightly so bear with me. One, just because I don't speak the language does not negate my ethnicity. I am not defined by what I can or can't say. Two, that logic is ridiculous because since I can speak Spanish, does that make me Hispanic or Latina? I don't think so. Three, that hyphen is there for a reason. I am both. I am neither wholly Chinese nor wholly American. Those identities are intertwined and cannot be separated. I can't chop off my Chinese-ness and just be "American" anymore than I can survive if I split myself in half. It doesn't work like that. My background, my cultures, yes, multiple cultures, are part of who I am and no outside person defines that for me.

I'm learning to own that hyphen. In other words, not to be ashamed of it but to be proud of that hyphen. Yes, that is who I am. I won't apologize for it or pretend it's not there. I'll live faithfully in being Chinese-American instead of feeling ashamed that I don't fully understand either Chinese or Asian culture, jokes, mentalities, language, etc. or knowing I'll never be fully accepted into white American society. I'll try not to be self-conscious that I'm the only Asian person in this context, rather I'll be me the way God made me. I'll educate my friends about micro-aggressions and talk to people with kindness and truth. I'm attempting to speak boldly and graciously right now but please hear that this isn't easy. Coming from a shame-based culture (Chinese/Asian) and having lived my entire life in a society (American) where I'm the minority and am seen through racial lenses and stereotypes, it's easier to stay silent or fake a smile, nod, and move on. After all, both cultures in their own way tell me to do so.

A panel from American Born Chinese by Gene Lee Yang

"Assimilation is how you make it in this society."
"You need to work hard to get what you want. Sometimes that means putting your head down, swallowing offenses, and moving on."
"You'll always get lumped together and/or mixed up with other Asian or Asian-American women."
"You should apologize / make excuses / over-explain why you are different or why your culture is the way it is."
"It's better to be like the majority because that's how/why people will like you / you'll get promoted / have friends / possess social standing."
"Make jokes about being the minority so everyone else will feel more comfortable."

Are these explicit messages? No. Have I heard them all in some form or another? Yes. Have I internalized them? Sadly, far too many. It breaks my heart that an Asian-American friend who's dating a white guy wonders if he has "yellow fever" because he's dating her. I'm tired of being confused with the other Asian-American co-worker. I wish I had a response to the ignorant racist remarks that sting me. I still don't know what to say when people are confused by the fact that I'm Chinese-American yet I don't speak Chinese or that I'm from New Hampshire not some Asian country. You have no idea how many weird looks I've gotten when I reply to "where are you from?"...

Panels from American Born Chinese by Gene Lee Yang

I understand that this is how God created me and if I live as a minority in American society, these things will always be part of my life. I have questions, issues, and struggles other people won't ever have while at the same time, I have no idea what the experience of a Hispanic/Latinx, African, Caucasian, other Asian, -American person is like. A big question for the future right now is what a romantic relationship would be like and dating interracially, especially what ramifications I'd place on my children if I have any. In the mean time, I'm trying to faithfully live out all of my identity. Being Asian-American, being Chinese-American, and above all, being a child of God. I understand I have my own gifts and beauty to share because of who I am and I wouldn't change that for anything.

One last thing is that I highly recommend reading American Born Chinese by Gene Lee Yang (shown above). It's a graphic novel weaving together 3 different stories, one about the Monkey King from Chinese folklore, one about Jin Wang, a Chinese-American boy, and one about Danny, a Caucasian guy. Each tale revolves around the character wrestling with the identity they have been given versus who they want to be. It's an incredibly well written and illustrated novel that gives voice to not just American born Chinese people but also other ethnicities, probably mostly Asian, who have dealt with similar struggles, racism, and stereotypes. Thanks for reading all this. It's a bit long but it's super important to me, being that it has major implications for the rest of my life. I'd love to dialogue about this more so please reach out if you're interested in having a conversation.