::do you love me even though::


I've had the words "Fully Known & Fully Loved" on my wall since freshman year of college because it's a reminder of a central truth of who I am. I am fully known AND fully loved by the God who gave everything for me. The craziest thing is not that this is true of me but that it's true not only of me. It's true of each of us. We long for intimacy, for love, for people to see us for who we truly are, yet we push those same things away. Our deepest fears and our greatest desires are intertwined in more ways than we may realize. Sadly, the fear of rejection frequently conquers the yearning to be known and loved. It's easier to stay away from the pain and vulnerability than to allow another person to see us, messiness, beauty, and all. We do this both to God and others. One of our most profound questions is, "could you ... will you ... do you ... love me even though?"

Even though... I'm socially awkward and struggle talking to people
Even though... I'm a drug addict trying to escape reality
Even though... I watch pornography online
Even though... I've been abused and traumatized
Even though... I'm depressed and can't see good in myself or in life
Even though... I'm anxious and fearful about both big and small things
Even though... I've contemplated or attempted suicide and think the world would be better off without me
Even though... I'm an alcoholic seeking to numb the pain
Even though... I smile and pretend everything is fine when it's really not
Even though... I'm bipolar and my moods can be wildly unstable 
Even though... I'm a workaholic who is more married to my job than my spouse
Even though... I'm an immigrant and my English isn't very good
Even though... I'm a minority, lacking privilege and voice in American society
Even though... I'm insecure and have horrible self-esteem
Even though... I'm over-confident and obnoxiously arrogant
Even though... I have OCD and my perfectionism gets in the way of daily life
Even though... I'm divorced or have divorced parents
Even though... I had an abortion or offered my child up for adoption
Even though... I am LGBQT+ and living a lifestyle accordingly
Even though... I'm a hypocrite who doesn't practice what I preach
Even though... I believe in a different religion/faith/god than you
Even though... I'm a high school/college dropout working to make ends meet
Even though... I have ADHD, dyslexia, or another learning disability that makes learning challenging
Even though...
Even though...
Even though...

I don't believe that you could... that you will...  that you do. How could you? Why would you? Love is such a precious, grace-full, challenging thing. Something I feel unworthy of and unable to accept. I always have an "even though". I always have another thing to throw at you, to challenge you, to see if you will rise and overcome it, thereby loving me still. Part of me desperately wants you to do so because that would be a tangible proof of your love. The other part of me is downright terrified because that means your love is real and I have to accept it in its entirety with all the implications. Such as, there is good and beauty in me whereas I focus on my faults and imperfections. I don't see myself as a handmade masterpiece, rather as a badly done copy of a grand work of art. Don't you see the blotch here and a scratch there? Don't you see how I'm ruined by this choice and that sin of omission? Don't you see the cracks and holes I'm trying to fill with everything except the One who will truly fulfill me?

Lyrics from "Known" by Tauren Wells
What I desire most is for you to see all of it and say, "yes, but I find you captivating nevertheless. I find you worthy and valuable in spite of, because of, those things." Yet, that kind of knowing is incredibly intimate and it terrifies me because what if you see my truest self and you reject me? It would crush me. This is where my self-protective instinct usually kicks in and I don't let anyone get that close even though I long for it fiercely. I allow fear to rule me, thereby missing out on deeper, richer relationships. Yes, there is pain and risk involved or it wouldn't be love. I have to trust, both God and others, that if they are genuinely my friends, my family, my inner circle, they won't shatter my heart (intentionally at least). Instead, they will see me with Christ's eyes and say, "I love you even though". Then, by the grace of God, I can receive it and say the same in return. You are loved even though...

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