::give us this day our daily bread::

Much of the time I feel unqualified and wrong in praying this phrase, "give us this day our daily bread", and yet I know I am absolutely right and justified in asking God for my daily bread. I'm a privileged, decently well off, college-educated woman in one of the richest, first-world countries today. Who am I to complain that I don't have enough for each day? In many ways, I can't and in other ways, I recognize I'm in deeper need of more than I realize. When this phrase comes up, I either gloss over it as I recite the Lord's prayer or I'm uncomfortable with it because it requires trust and humility and to me, it signifies a lack of control. If I have to be praying for my "daily bread" whatever that may be, it means I didn't plan my life "right" or something went awry. Admittedly, it's a matter of pride and distrust in God because I don't believe that He will provide for me so I have to do it for myself. *SIN ALERT* Yeah, I know. I'm working on it. Thanks.

I like to be prepared and ready for whatever comes at me. (cue blog post about readiness) Who doesn't? This is why we have pantries, extras, stockpiles, containers, etc. I like my ducks to be lined up, to have adequate time to work on things, and do all of the things what I want to do. Most of the time these are good things. But recently, it feels like I'm barely squeaking by. I get everything done just in time for class. I'm submitting my assignments minutes before they're due. I am mentally running through my schedule trying to squeeze every single minute out of my day for productivity. I'm distracted because I'm attempting to balance everything at once and I feel more in disequilibrium than not. I used to be a good juggler and now it feels like the balls are dropping more and more frequently or one ball just isn't there at all. I can't do it. Which is why the past couple weeks have felt like I've been living hand-to-mouth in terms of strength and grace for every day. Nearly every morning I've woken up praying, "Lord, please give me Your strength for today because I don't think I'm going to make it otherwise. I need You because I am not enough." (cue blog post about the struggle of never being enough, I sense some themes here, do you?) Then as I go to bed, I'm grateful to Him that I made it through another day and all of the good, hard, sad, joyful things it held.

It's sweet when daily bread includes Chinese food and dear friends

All this to say, this prayer of "give me this day my daily bread" is new and unusual for me. Is that necessarily a bad thing? No, but it is an incredibly humbling thing. It makes me all too aware of my weaknesses and of the independency I try to achieve rather than the dependence I should have on the Lord. It points out my belief that I don't believe God will be there for me or that He will give me what I need. The only person who is going to take care of me in the ways I need is me so if I fall down on the job, then I have myself to blame. When in reality, God has got me 100% of the time. He is always there to hold me no matter what happens, whether I am able to do what I need to or whether things don't go the way I planned and I come up short. Why do I persist in trying to do it all myself? Well, besides the fact that I'm sinful and broken, I believe some lies about who God is or at least am projecting false images onto Him both of which are harmful to my relationship with Him.

My life currently in a quote

So I'm living much more day to day rather than a few days at a time or having things planned in advance. This day-to-day living is SO hard. When was the last time you lived like this? Not materially perhaps, though that would be a different challenge. But emotionally, mentally or spiritually? When you don't have any reserve and you're just pushing on because you can't do anything else? Praying God will carry you through, that you'll hold it together a little bit longer, that you'll be able to talk to one more person or sit through one more class. It is extremely difficult some days and I collapse at the end of each one, wondering how I'm going to make it through tomorrow. I know I've only  made it this far by His mercy and grace for which I'm deeply grateful. However, I acknowledge I don't have any solutions necessarily except as a good friend and mentor often tells me, "lean into the tension". Which drives me crazy some times but is also what I need to hear. That tension can be many different things, in this case, it's the tension of trusting Him daily and preparing needfully in advance. I do know gratitude is a vital part in all of this and so I continue to write in my gratitude journal. What do you do when you are living day to day and asking for your daily bread?