::jumping in feet first::

"Jump in and be all there."
A friend told me this years ago when I left home for the first time and volunteered for 4 months at a Christian camp in Uruguay. It made me think of jumping off a diving board into the deep end of a pool. You breathe in, jump, and quickly become submersed within the water. It surrounds you. It's all you can see. You're in a world completely different than the one you just left. It is both beautiful and strange. The analogy isn't perfect but you get the idea.

Jumping in can be really scary because you usually don't know what you're about to jump into and even if you do, it still can be anxiety-producing. The unknown petrifies most people. Perhaps you want to just dip your toes in, see if you like it, and then you'll decide to get all the way in or not. Perhaps you want to start slowly wading in, going at your own pace rather than doing it all at once because that would be too overwhelming. Personally, I'm the kind of person who's generally terrified to jump in at first but once I've committed, I'll do it and I'll be 110% in. I can't say it has gotten easier the more times I've jumped but I do have the security of God's faithfulness once I'm there. He has provided for me every time I've taken a leap of faith, literally and figuratively.

Family camping trip in Acadia, Maine

Oddly enough (not really, this is just my sense of humor), this summer has proved no different. I knew that the best thing for me in returning home and working at the Mansion would be to jump right in. Much has changed, the people have come and gone, and I'm a different person than the girl who left 4 years ago. Yet I knew in my heart that this is where God had called me to be for this season and I needed to commit and be present here. Not nostalgically remembering Wheaton, or spending lots of time talking to long-distance friends, nor wishing I could be somewhere else. I was and am here. 

There was a familiar unfamiliarity in the air, particularly at the beginning, which is weird to feel and harder to describe. My new role required a lot more of me because I was officially working for the Mansion not just being a staff kid. I had to start forging my way with the people who are here now and perhaps more importantly, as the person I am now. It wasn't and sometimes still isn't easy because it has meant learning the ins and outs of my job, seeing a greater depth of the ministry, initiating new relationships, trying to manage my free time wisely, and most of all, seeking contentment. It's been a difficult summer on many levels, don't let any of this fool you. Read my last post on saudade to know how it started.

However, thanks be to God, I'm starting to see bits and pieces of the fruit of my total immersion. I'm seeing new friendships blossoming, whether people stop to say hi to me as they pass by my office or I have a fun conversation in the dining hall. I'm feeling more comfortable in my work and understanding what's being asked of me. I'm deeply affected by community life, by the people who are coming and going, by the difficult things they are going through, and by the communal rejoicing in times of celebration. I've made friends with some of the adorable little munches who stop to play or talk with me. I'm seeing changes in the countenances of the people around me as they dig farther into their relationships with Christ. I see the corn growing taller every day. I see the squashes being harvested and the raspberries turning ripe. What I'm experiencing isn't all at once and it isn't always amazing but it is good. 

I've committed to be here for now. I try to be present and to love wholeheartedly right where I am because this is all I've got. The past has gone and I don't know what the future holds. All I have is the present so how could I not be totally here? How could I not be 110% committed to these people, in this place, in this moment? This is the kind of particularity I see in Jesus when He came to earth. Think about it. He came to Israel in 4 A.D. or whatever date it was, for 30-some odd years, and was fully present for that time. He knew where He was supposed to be and was all there. I believe each of us are called to do the same wherever we are and with whoever we are surrounded by. Where is your place? Who are your people? Have you jumped in? If not, what's holding you back? If you have, what fruit have you gotten to see?