::to be or to do? that is the question::

If you enjoy small talk then well and good for you but I admittedly do not. You probably wouldn't know because I can do it quite well and you may have done it with me before. I've learned how do it out of necessity. Part of my dislike is my introverted self that would rather just talk deeper and more real. Part of it is because we ask the same questions every. single. time.

What's your name?

Where are you from?

What do you do? 

Each of those questions is important because the answers are how we typically define ourselves. I could write multiple blog posts about each one and I've touched on the first two before. Now I'm focusing on the third. What do you do? We define ourselves and others by what their job/career is. We unconsciously assign value, make assumptions, and create a personality for someone based on their answer. This is natural because as you are getting to know someone you're forming a narrative to help you remember that person and you're going by what your past experience has taught you. But what happens when we put too much into that answer? What happens when we box someone in because of their career choice? What happens when we only see ourselves as worthwhile because of what we do? This isn't really about what job you have or what career you've chosen. This is about what He says versus what society says about who we are and our value. This is about you and me as people, as children of God, as bearers of His image.

If you know me. you won't be surprised to hear that I'm a doer. I like doing things whether it's work or play, alone or with others, for myself or in service. When someone tells me about a problem they have, one of my first thoughts is "how can I do something for you?" It's how I was made. As you can imagine, I struggle with resting, being still, and sometimes doing things without a "purpose". God counterbalanced this nicely with my love for kids because being and playing with them is just for the sake of it. There isn't any greater motive or reason. A dear professor and mentor said to me years ago, "wash the dishes just to wash the dishes." Do you know how hard that is for me??? If you're a doer too, then you probably do. As I'm growing older and hopefully wiser, I'm realizing how hard it is for me not to do because if I don't do then I believe I don't have worth. I've bought into the lie that I am worthy only because of what I do. I have value based on what I have done and as a perfectionist, on the quality of what I've done. I believe I am because I do rather than, I am because God made me in His image. I have inherent not earned worth. I probably should tape that phrase all over my room to hit me in the face every day of my life. 

In a season where I'm not "doing" much either work-wise or in the rest of life, I wonder if I have value at all. My work is slow, I can't teach Sunday School, no one is coming over, and I'm shopping only when necessary. It feels like what I am able to do is either not terribly productive or it's just for me. I am a typical Martha (read more about that self-discovery here) and I like doing things for others. I believe that is part of my calling as a believer to serve and build His Kingdom. But when it's just for me, I'm not super motivated. I move to the opposite of doing. I become apathetic and feel like I'm just going through the motions. I stick to my rhythms and routines because I know if I lose those, I'm really in trouble but I struggle to see the value anymore. I wonder if I have something still worth living for. I wonder whether my life has worth as I am no longer doing. I know that I do. I know that in my head. God created me beautifully and perfectly. He does not make mistakes. He doesn't make junk. I'm being refined and this is part of the refining process. And yet... and yet... The doubts creep in. The lies start to whisper. The Slough of Despair feels endless and I wonder if there is a path out. 

There is one. His name is Jesus. He says, "I am the way, the truth, and the life." (John 14:6) Will I let His truth root out the lies in my heart? "Fear not, O Zion, the Lord is in your midst. A mighty one; He will save you." (Zephaniah 3:16-17) The Lord is greater than any of my fears or actions. He saves me simply because He made me not because of what I have done. I need to pull my eyes out and away from myself. My identity is not in what I do or don't do. It's in who He is molding, growing, and challenging me to be. The Lord is with me, that's what's important and makes me worthy. His Spirit dwells within me; He loves me, isn't that enough? There are many days when I struggle believing that and I want more. But I need to stand fast on His truth. He made me so I am worthy. He calls me His beloved daughter so I have value. How He sees me doesn't change whether or not I'm doing anything.

Yet He does have things He has called me to in this time, am I doing those faithfully still? Or am I neglecting them in my apathy and discouragement? It's okay for me to just be in this season. I am a human being not a human doing as Dr. Wayne Dyer said. It feels counter-intuitive to my nature yet He created me to be. Why am I fighting that so hard? My church has been reflecting on Psalm 46 in this season. He commands for me to be still and know who He is as God. That has been one of my many prayers recently. May it be one of yours as well.