::human factor of safety::

If you're similar to me, you're likely not an engineer and perhaps don't know what the factor of safety is or means. Though I probably should care since it matters for much of how I live my daily life like driving my car, getting into bed, and walking across a bridge! The definition of the factor of safety--in less technical terms--is how much stress or load something can take before it crumbles. For example, a plane can take 1.5 times the amount of stress it normally can before it would explode or something like that. A mechanical engineer friend was explaining this to me and I half-jokingly asked, "what's the factor of safety for a human?" How much stress can a person take before they break? I truly would love to know the answer to that question because I wonder when I'll break.

This summer, as you know, has been a hurricane of issues between coronavirus, the awareness of racial injustice sweeping across our country, the possibility of schools reopening, and politics, never mind my own internal whirlwinds. I've been feeling overwhelmed, wondering how to process, what I believe, who to talk to, and what my next steps in daily life going forward are. Then something else happens for it never rains but it pours. My trust is shattered once again and I wonder what do I have left in a world that's been turned upside down. When life is unstable, new lifestyles are slowly coming into being, and each social interaction has to be planned out, I wonder on what or who I can depend, if there is even anything or anyone. Everything and everyone in my life has failed in some way. Whether it's family, friends, work, ministry, church, technology, literature, or even my own self. They have all let me down, betrayed me, broken my trust, or proven their fallibility in heart-breaking ways. This just serves to show the fallen world we live in and the sinful people we are. I deeply lament this reality but I have to have a reason to keep going on otherwise life wouldn't be worth living. My faith gained new meaning for me almost 3 years ago (see everything stripped away) but I had a new shaking of my world, another seemingly unbearable load placed on me, and I needed to be reminded again of Jesus being my firm foundation.

The busyness of the school year is in full speed ahead with the stress and anxiety creeping in. The nights of not sleeping well, the constant merry-go-round of one thought after the other that begin to blur together, the knowledge that I might be dropping balls but I can't stop to pick them up till 10pm at night, the guilt of missing things, and the desire to do more, to be more, to say more. It would be easy to let it overtake me. I wonder how much strain and stress I can take. What is my factor of safety? How much stress can be put on me before I break? A bridge often says it can take "X" amount of tons, which means that if there is more than that you could collapse the bridge. What is my limit? I don't know other than it's very high which is both a gift and a curse.

The gift is that I can hold it together for a long time (and you probably wouldn't know how bad it is unless I told you). The curse is that I can walk that fine line between not quite losing it and totally crumbling for a long time which is frightening and dangerous for my own well being. Everything in life that matters to me--except for my faith--has let me down at some point. I don't want to say I've done it all because I definitely have not and I can't say I'm looking for more suffering. But hopefully it makes me less afraid at the end of the day. I know I will survive at the end of the day. It won't be easy and it might really hurt but I will still be there. I might be kneeling on the ground or curled up in a ball but it won't destroy me completely. I've gotten back up and carried on by God's grace before and I can do so again with His help.

I've faced and conquered many of my own demons and challenges in my 24 years of being alive; yet I know I haven't experienced a fraction of the amount that some 24 year olds have had to carry. So what? It means that we are called to shoulder our own burdens and to do what God has called us to, regardless of everyone else. Just because this happened to me doesn't mean it will happen to you and vice versa. I wouldn't wish some of the things I've gone through on my worst enemies. But I'd also love for you to experience the things I've learned and grown in as a result because it's made me who I am today. If it could happen to you in much less painful ways then all the better. I have and am continuing to learn to trust in the Lord's sovereignty and in His goodness through it all. I don't and may never understand however He knows, wills, and loves. Rather than trying to comprehend the incomprehensible, I ask and pray for His wisdom, strength, and grace every day knowing that He hears me.

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