Is it ever okay to fake it? Is "faking it" lying to people? If so, am I a terrible person every time I do it? These are moral questions I don't have answers to. Either I'm lying almost every day of my life or it's not truly a lie. We've all done it. We have all faked it till we made it, whether it's through a class, a day, a meeting, a season. It hurts, it's hard, it's not necessarily healthy but it is a regular occurrence. The funny thing is that pretending things are (mostly) okay usually works out in the end. I do still hold to the principles of honesty and integrity but I've also learned that sometimes you have to act like you can do it, pretend you feel it, or whatever it is, in order to do the good and needed things in life.
In college, I learned particular forms of faking it in regards to homework, relationships, extra-curriculars, existential and identity crises, and everything else in-between. And look, I made it! Out of college at least, no guarantees on the rest of life. Now I'm an adult and it feels like a whole new set of things to fake knowing and understanding. Cooking, being involved at church, working a full time job, being a grad student, relationships, resting, finances, stewarding one's self well, and more. It's challenging in totally different ways. Doesn't that sound fun? Similar to college, I know my friends and I are--at some level--all in it together. It may look like different of us are successful, happy, and have our lives going in wonderful trajectories. Let me tell you the truth: that's not totally accurate. If you sit and listen to how someone's
actually doing, I'm sure there are parts of their life where they don't have it all together, where they're dropping balls, and/or where things aren't going well. Pulling back the curtain is a hard and scary thing. That's normal and okay.
What isn't okay is that we aren't able to live like this naturally. No human is physically capable of all the hoops and challenges we set for ourselves as over-achieving, busy, passionate people with the standards set by our own selves or by society. We do have to "fake it" or stretch things in order to make them work. There is so much we hide on the inside, the fires we put out, the extra work we have to do, the late nights we pull, and the mental gymnastics we go through to make everything seem (mostly) flawless on the outside. But people don't see those messy, emotional parts. They just see the full and varied life and are impressed. After all, it's a perfectly acceptable answer to say "I'm just busy/stressed" and somehow that seems to normalize everything. "Don't worry, it's okay", "Yeah, I'm with you", "Stay strong, you've got this", and we continue on.
But it's not okay, I'm often faking it and I wonder if anyone sees the real me. My community feels like it's shifting and the lack of a foundation is unsettling. The majority of my friends are dating/engaged/married while I'm single and I fight to maintain contentment. I am juggling a hundred things at work and feel like it's going to fall apart if I let go. I am dropping balls on my finances and longer term planning because I don't have the mental stamina to deal with them adequately. I feel like I'm constantly failing someone whether it's myself, my friends, my family, or anyone else. The inner critic never stops and the shame and guilt are ever knocking at the door. I feel like I never have enough time to spend with the people I care about nor to take care of myself so something constantly has to go by the wayside. I'm at or over my capacity to give and yet I still have the need and want to pour myself out except that I'm running on fumes. I fight off loneliness and despair, striving not to let the darkness consume me on bad days. I'm the big sister, the small group leader, the friend, the older one, the mature one, the responsible one, the strong one, the one holding it all together so I can't fall apart. I have to pretend I've got it together enough to make it through another day... another week... another month... until when? Forever? Until I burn myself to the ground?
I've written before about
being unwell well and
my struggle with anxiety and this is the other side of the coin. I put on a mask to cover the un-wellness because I'm scared of what will happen if I don't. I want some kind of cheerful Jesus truth to wrap up this post and while there is much I know in my head, it hasn't all made it down to my heart. I'm not sure what conclusions I have come to because I'm still in the midst of it. So instead of something uplifting, I just have more questions. How do I ask for help? How do I ask others to come alongside when they're already bearing so much of their own? When do I stop faking it or is that not how this goes? Do I ever get to live out true authenticity? Am I holding standards too high for myself? I see that other people are authentic and I wonder how do I live like that. I want to imitate Christ and to be faithful in what He has called me to, it's just a real challenge right now. I'm clinging to Him and crying out at the foot of the cross and I think that's the best place for me to be. I pray this blessing from Romans 15:13 over myself and over you: "
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope."
I don't have the answers. But I can cook you a meal... For real, not for fake 😉.
ReplyDeleteI gave up taking it a long time ago. I try to remain quiet sometimes just out of respect and kindness to others. Cuz if I open my mouth, you're going to get the real deal 😆.
Hi Francesca! I can relate to much of what you said. I’m 47 and have had anxiety most of my life. I’ve lived through most of my time trying to please myself or others and fueled by the fear of failing and motivating myself thru shaming myself. Over the last couple years, this has slowly been disappearing. I’m just done with it! 😊 I don’t think you have to wait 25 years for this freedom. It has been a process though. I think first was realizing how good God is. I “knew” it, or knew I was supposed to believe it, but I didn’t really think he was good. If someone had challenged me with this, I would have added a layer of lie to myself and forced myself to comply with the “correct” belief and then comforted myself with the thought that I believed it. Instead, when God confronted me, I just gave up and was honest, I didn’t try to lie to myself and God changed my mind by being amazingly good to me. (Mostly he opened my eyes to how he already was good.)
ReplyDeleteI think that everyone’s path is different. I had lovely mentors who stood alongside me and talked me off so many ledges. They took late night phone calls. They told me over and over that God loved me, I was normal etc. (as an aside, I think expectations of reality have a huge part to play here. In the immortal words of Wesley, “Life is pain highness, and anyone who tells you differently is selling something” This doesn’t mean we despair, or that we don’t continue doing our best to bring a ray of sunshine (Gods love) to our corner of the world. It just means we can let go of the constant pressure we put on ourselves to attain something we think others have already reached (they haven’t) and to not compare ourselves to someone else’s journey. God has all kinds of disciples and he can handle each of their different personalities and challenges.
“Romans 12:3
Gifts of Grace
[3] For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment, each according to the measure of faith that God has assigned.”
You are doing the hard work now, seeing the issues and speaking them. Letting the questions sit has been super difficult for me, and I’m still terrible at it, but it is freeing!
Know that you are not alone, and it does get better!