The Standard of Never Enough

"You were meant to be here and what you do this summer will be enough."

My unit leader gave this encouragement to my unit as we began our summer of camp counseling. I had a gut reaction of "that's not true" to the second half of the statement. I knew the first part was true. I had felt a peace about applying to SLS and believed that He had brought me to HoneyRock for this particular summer. His reasons being His own but I had no doubt as to where I was supposed to be. But I realized, sitting on a bench at Black Bear campsite, that I never believed that what I did was enough.

I thought in my gap years and since being in college that I had loosened up on my perfectionistic tendencies. I knew I still possessed them but I thought they weren't as strong as they used to be. I gauged this by the fact that I didn't go crazy if every project or task that I completed wasn't done "just right". I knew that I wasn't going to do things perfectly and that was okay. I thought that I had come to terms with my own imperfections and limited abilities. I learned this summer that I had not. It was worse because I thought that I had gotten rid of something that continued to exist all the more powerfully beneath the surface. I was holding myself to an invisible standard of never enough.

I no longer was upset that my projects, papers, and tasks weren't exactly perfect but in my head and subconsciously, I said "but you could've done better. You didn't do enough." This is a killer mentality in college because unless you are a brilliant genius which I am not, there is usually always more than you could have done. In my mind, I did things that were okay, good, *shrug* average. The thoughts of "If I had only done this" or "I could have done that differently" or "I wish that I could have worked on it more" or "I could have studied more" frequently run through my head. The last phrase is common among college students; I know I am not the only one. But I had this standard of perfection for my schoolwork and I never thought I met it. The satisfaction from the handful of 'A's I have received in college has been fleeting and I tend to focus on all the things I didn't do and the work that I need to do in other classes.

This awareness of my standard of 'never enough' has caused me to take a step back in terms of how I approach my education. But also, how does this standard affect my relationships and particularly my faith? Do I try to do "enough" work to earn grace? This is an impossibility. Am I holding myself up to this impossible standard in my faith that I will never reach? How do I treat my relationship with God? How do I think that He views me? These are scary questions. I think I will never be "good enough" for God. I will never be the Christian woman that He desires me to be. My brokenness and sin get in the way. I want so much to please Him and yet am all too aware of how I continually fall short of His glory (Romans 3:23). How can He love me when I am not the way He wants me to be? That is the amazing grace that I will never understand.

All pictures are from fall break at HoneyRock

Over fall break, I was talking with a friend and asking, "But isn't it impossible to live up to the standard of perfection that Jesus calls us to? We are supposed to be like Him. He was perfect and we are flawed human beings. We will never be the way that He was and yet we are supposed to try to?" To which my friend gave the beautiful response, "Not on our own. We only can only get there [the standard of perfection] by and through the work of the Holy Spirit." No, I will never be enough. No, the work I do will never be adequate while I am being and working in my own strength. It is only through the Holy Spirit. He dwells within me and if I allow Him to work in and through me, then and only then, will it be enough. More of Him and less of me.