Further Up and Further In

The candle I have held since I was a child Every year illuminating my world Has gone out I've tried to relight it But it... won't... stay... lit... Up on the altar I see the Advent candles burning brightly Week after week Purple. Perfect. Promising.  But they’re too far away I’m sitting in the back row They can’t rekindle my candle Let them bring peace and hope to someone else My candle is hidden away Tucked into a box of memories of what was I don a smile and give my kids their candles Telling them of the light they will have all their lives Smothering the grief and frustration within Their joyful smiles and fascination with fire Are almost enough for a change of heart Yet the memories of extinguishment are too strong I close my eyes, breathe, and soldier on We light the candles on Christmas Eve Their luminosity builds in the room The awe and delight are too much I can’t bear it and turn away Someone finds me They don’t say ‘where is your candle?’ Or ‘why are you here?’ They s

What is a thestral? It is a breed of winged horse with a skeletal body, a face of reptilian features, and wide leather bat-like wings. They are very rare and are found in the world of Harry Potter. They are mistaken for omens of aggression and misfortune because they can only be seen by those who have witnessed death at least once as Luna Lovegood explains. Seeing and experiencing some of the deepest tragedies and most broken areas of our world is no small thing. There are other ways to experience tragedy besides death such as addiction, loneliness, abandonment, abuse, trauma, racism, and more. We don't have thestrals in our world but you recognize someone who can also see one. You've experienced tragedy. You know what it means to fight for your right to live. You know what it's like to have your world irrevocably shattered. You have lost part of yourself that you will never get back. You are always on your back foot no matter how much you try to get ahead. That kind of cal

You can't step in the same river twice. You can't go home again. We've all tried to go back for something whether it was a relationship, a place, a memory, or an experience. We've tried to recapture that emotion; tried to bring something or someone back to life. I have done so only to realize that I couldn't recreate the conversation or hold onto the feelings. It wouldn't be the same. But maybe I didn't learn my lesson because I did go home again. Sort of.   I grew up in a residential recovery community called His Mansion Ministries. It's located on a 300+ acre working farm in New Hampshire and it's for men and women aged 18-35 who struggle with severe brokenness and life controlling behaviors and issues such as drugs, alcohol, certain mental health disorders, abuse, trauma, and pornography. My family lived and served there for nearly 11 years. I spent some of my most formative years at His Mansion. It was home. But... what is home? A place where I

Doesn't every relationship begin with being starry-eyed, Enamored, enchanted, infatuated? We began on hopeful terms 9 years ago You knew where you stood I was figuring out if I liked you or not You offered me the chance and I took it A year into the relationship The honeymoon phase had worn off It started to become more difficult But we worked through things I came out the stronger Year three was the hardest year yet Cynicism, busyness, and stress took their toll We even took a short break apart I appreciated you a lot more when we got back together The following year my world got shattered But you were there for me You stood by me as a support as everything else fell apart I don’t know what would’ve happened without you Yet I knew it was time to part ways We weren’t meant to be together any longer Which broke my heart Fast forward to two and a half years later You asked me to return to you and I did I was tentatively hopeful We both had changed and I didn’t know how we’d fit toget

Yes, I'm late and yes, I'm one of those Christian women who have a word for the year. Don't make too much fun of me. It's a useful practice. My word for 2022 was hope . I was excited and nervous about it. There is so much to hope in but it also requires being vulnerable because you put part of yourself out there when you hope. It is exhilarating to have high hopes but also discouraging if those hopes come crashing down. Yet we are made to hope. It is what keeps us going, helps us to continue in the mundanity, and creates meaning in our ordinary lives. You've seen movies where a character gives up hope and you see the light go out from their eyes. They have no desire to live or do anything significant because they no longer have hope. We need hope to live as much as we need air to breathe.  So what happens when hope is unfulfilled? What occurs when that hope you've been holding onto doesn't come to pass? Why do you hope if it might get crushed and all you'