::i'm still the same person::

Reading with my sister and friend

If you know me at all, you know I love to read and I mean, love to read. I've learned that reading is one of the rhythms of my life I need in order to function. It's up there with eating and sleeping for me. Anyways, I've read goodness knows how many thousands of books in my 16 years of being able to read and I love tracking the characters in the books. My childhood was living through the eyes of Anne Shirley of Green Gables and entering the magical world of Harry Potter with my dad and sister. I fell in love with Frodo, Aragorn, Arwen, and Eowyn. I've read and re-read the Chronicles of Narnia, gaining new appreciation and insight from every reading. The characters go through adventures and numerous conflicts. They change, grow, and develop which is a huge part of the beauty and brilliance of good writing. But the characters remain the same throughout the book. The Frodo you meet in the Shire at the beginning is still the same Frodo at the end as he recovers from his arduous journey in the city of Gondor. He has changed and grown but the core of Frodo and who he is as a hobbit is continuous. That inner consistency is what makes me fall in love with fictional characters. I get to see who they were when they started, who they are at the end, and the journey in between in which their character has been developed, they've matured and had major turning points, their joys and tears have shaped them but the essence of the characters is unchanged. It's no different with your story or mine.

Poetry on Blanchard Lawn

My roommate from Wheaton reminded me: "You're still the same person in Spain as you were at Wheaton." That hit me between the eyes because somehow I thought I had changed. I thought I could start from scratch and build myself a whole new character because I had begun a new chapter in my life book. But in reality, my character, who I was at the beginning of this semester, is still the same as it is right now, 3 months later. I am certainly growing and changing. I'm being refined in many ways including in my soul, my cultural knowledge, and my awareness. I'm learning new things, not the least of which is a new language which is majorly shaping my mentality and perspective on privilege, culture, standards of living, priorities in life, education, and more. God is developing my character by giving me challenges I have to work through. I am able to come out on the other side of them only by His grace and guidance. But who I am, deep within my self, is not different. I thought that it was. For some reason, I thought I could leave the problems and struggles I was dealing with in the States on that side of the Atlantic Ocean and they wouldn't follow me to Spain. It just shows that a person, even one as intelligent and thoughtful as me, makes mistakes all the time. So don't ever think you're superior--you're not--or that you've got it all together--you don't.

Freshman year of college

Anyways, I knew I'd brought my anxiety, re: my post on readiness from the start of the semester, but I didn't realize I had also brought my struggles with loneliness, my journey of my identity as an Asian-American, feeling like I'm going through the motions with my faith, and more. Whether I like it or not, I need to deal with these issues because they were affecting my daily life here in Spain. I thought I could turn over a new leaf and begin afresh but the reality is that I'm still the same person no matter how many countries I travel to or new cultures I immerse myself in. My essence as a person does not change if I learn 5 new languages, meet people who don't understand a lick of English, or eat whole shrimp, clams out of their shells, and octopus tentacles. Instead of trying to escape from my struggles and my past, I need to turn around and face them. Just because I'm not at Wheaton or at home doesn't mean they are any less real or painful. I know that in my heart but if I'm honest, sometimes I'm a coward and I feel like I don't have the courage or the fight to battle against something that feels so much bigger and stronger than I am. That's when I remember that my God is bigger than any "boogeyman" (VeggieTales, anyone?). I think of the saying, "Don't tell God how big your mountain is, tell the mountain how big your God is." A little cheesy perhaps but it helps me keep the correct perspective in mind when I'm facing my mountains and wondering how they are ever going to move or how I'll ever scale them.

My happy place in London

As a wise monkey once said, "yes, the past can hurt, but you can either run from it or... learn from it." I can't run away forever, even across the ocean. Psalm 139 reminds me there is no place where the Lord cannot go and where He cannot find me. I need to learn from the past so I don't make the same mistakes in the future (honestly, I usually end up making new ones). Looking back at the past can bring sadness and melancholy but it can also bring hope and the desire to press on. I need to remember God's faithfulness. If He brought me over the mountains before, He'll do so again even if they look incredibly daunting. If this is going to be a lifelong journey, then I have to trust He'll be with me every step of the way and He'll bring people into my life at just the right time. I need to look back at the past so I can continue to write my story going forward. What happens now influences the future; reading taught me that lesson long ago. So if you talk to me at the end of the semester, you'll probably find I've changed but hopefully, you'll also find I'm still the same person because the essence of who God made me remains the same. Who am I? Who is this chica who has stayed the same through the past 20 years? Well, my friends, that is a blog post for another time.