::thestrals and tragedy::

What is a thestral? It is a breed of winged horse with a skeletal body, a face of reptilian features, and wide leather bat-like wings. They are very rare and are found in the world of Harry Potter. They are mistaken for omens of aggression and misfortune because they can only be seen by those who have witnessed death at least once as Luna Lovegood explains.

Seeing and experiencing some of the deepest tragedies and most broken areas of our world is no small thing. There are other ways to experience tragedy besides death such as addiction, loneliness, abandonment, abuse, trauma, racism, and more. We don't have thestrals in our world but you recognize someone who can also see one. You've experienced tragedy. You know what it means to fight for your right to live. You know what it's like to have your world irrevocably shattered. You have lost part of yourself that you will never get back. You are always on your back foot no matter how much you try to get ahead. That kind of calamity, that kind of pain, that rolling the boulder up the hill again. And again. And again. This does not negate lesser forms of pain and grief. I lament that those exist in the world too but there are particular forms of tragedy that manifest the ability to see thestrals.

I started seeing thestrals as an adolescent, not fully realizing what that meant. The stories I was hearing, the reasons why people were at His Mansion, the scars visible and invisible on their persons, they formed my sight for thestrals. The thing is, being able to see thestrals was normal. That was part of everyday life growing up at His Mansion. Nobody flinched or screamed when they came into contact with them. It took some people a little longer and each person interacted with the them differently. I didn't realize how normalized thestrals were until I stepped off of the property and referred to them to college friends and others in the outside world. "What's a thestral?" "How do they work?" "Why are they invisible?" "I don't think they're real." I knew they were real but it took a while before I understood that trying to convince people of that fact was never going to be effective. People need to see thestrals for themselves. My descriptions, pictures, and stories aren't enough. While I would never wish for someone to go through what it takes to see a thestral, there is also a bond between those who have.

I have my ways of testing the waters to see if someone can see thestrals. I ask questions and muse on my thoughts about ministry and spiritual formation, race and injustice, family and relationship dynamics, curious to see where they'll take the conversation, what they'll respond to, how deep or not they'll go. I'm often not cognizant of how I'm disappointed when it stays theoretical, when it remains more shallow and idealistic, when they give a one sentence response and move on. I'm left wondering, 'is it me?' 'is it them?' 'is it a personality thing?' 'was it something in the moment or something I said or didn't say?' Now, I think it's because they don't see thestrals. They haven't been touched by tragedy. They haven't experienced something or someone being gut-wrenchingly ripped away from you. They don't know what it's like to fight every single day because you exist in the ways God created you. The reality that they haven't experienced these things isn't their fault nor am I wishing for them to have to experienced ministry dysfunction, breakdown of leadership, getting their world shattered, etc. But there is something called seeking empathy, trying to walk in someone else's shoes, really listening to someone's story and pain. There are select few who have sought to do so and I see what they're trying to do and appreciate that deeply.

So how do I interact with my thestral seeing friends and my friends who don't see them and may never see them? I'm still wrestling with that question. I'm not going to convince the latter that thestrals are there and real. They can still ride them while invisible, it's just a very strange experience. I naturally draw near to those who can see them, who understand certain things without my having to say anything, who resonate with the anecdotes, the microaggressions, and the grief. The ones who don't will always be at a distance unless they seek to draw near. It's not because I don't want to let them in but I can't close the gap. I can only go so far. They have to build the rest of the bridge and walk over. For those of you who can see thestrals and you'll know if you can, hear that you are not alone. I see them too and there is no need to fear them. As Luna says, "you're just as sane as I am."