::courage, dear heart::

This is the first post I didn't want to write. There have been posts that felt yanked out of me or that clawed their way to the surface. If I'm being honest, this is one I didn't really want to touch. Each year I choose a word to be my anchor, reminder of truth, aspiration, etc. and my word for 2023 was 'courage'. Writing plays a critical role in how I reflect and all the more so in how I look back on each year. But I haven't desired to look again on 2023 because I needed so. much. courage.

I stared fear, heartbreak, uncertainty, and pain in the face in fresh ways. Yes, I made it through by the grace of God, but not without new scars and aching undercurrents that are still with me today. Why would I want to evoke it all again if I don't have to? Because that is courage.

Courage (n.) - the ability to do something that frightens one; strength in the face of pain or grief

The root of the word, "cor", means 'heart' in Latin. Courage can also be defined as strength of heart.

When I felt the Lord impressing 'courage' upon me last January, I knew one of the reasons why that would be my word. I didn't know what else was to come yet sensed the deeper rumblings heading my way. I felt the need for courage. I would need to face my fears. I would have to do things that terrified me. I would need all of my strength of heart to live out my integrity and my desire to be faithful. I did what I knew was right and even so it broke me in ways I hadn't been broken before. Writing this now, a year later, those wounds still hurt. They have scarred over but are admittedly tender when pressed upon.

I spent the first half of 2023 trying to rest, heal, and process. It takes courage to take a good hard look at yourself, your decisions and the consequences thereof. I've known people who said they would prefer being in jail instead of going through an inner healing process because jail doesn't make you face yourself. It required courage to do the small daily things, to have follow up conversations, to make sense of what I could, and ultimately, to let go. It took courage to try again, to get back up on the horse, and keep going through the tears. 

I mustered a good bit of courage to have some really difficult conversations with a close friend. I wasn't sure if we were still going to be friends in the end. That process of being vulnerable, of listening, of speaking truth, of asking questions, was incredibly hard and yet it was worth it. 

It took courage to put myself back out there, to find a new job and start afresh again, not fully ready but knowing it was needed. I'm still working in higher education. I don't love my job but I'm sticking with it for now. 

I reached deep down for courage as I realized I longed for more, more than the world, my relationships, or my work could give me. Courage to be honest and to take a step back. Courage to look objectively at the things and people I loved, acknowledging the faults and flaws, wondering what could change. Courage to keep going when hope seemed small and not really there. Courage to not let the darkness win, to not be conquered by despair, and instead to see what is beyond and what is promised.

My heart feels more battered and bruised than it does strong at this point. I'm peering into 2024 and predict that I will need courage all the more in the weeks and months to come. Just because it's not my word for the year anymore doesn't make it any less relevant. In fact all the more so because it gives me a foundation to keep building upon. The Lord has given me a strength and resiliency of heart. Somehow He's paired that with a deep tenderness that has not become resentful or embittered over the years. I still want to love and to be loved. That's something I try not to take for granted. It's not an easy journey but have courage, dear heart.