Boundaries. It's a common word in psychology, in relationships, in the workplace. We toss it around as if boundaries are easy to put up and maintain. 'Just draw a boundary.' 'Make sure you have a work-life boundary.' 'Tell someone they crossed a boundary.' If you've ever tried having boundaries, you know it's not that simple. Boundaries can take a lifetime to learn. They can be rigid and they can be flexible. They can be temporary or for forever. They can be in every single area of life or only in a couple. They can be instituted by other people and by your own self. They can be respected and upheld and they can be broken and destroyed.
Can boundaries become selfish? Is my holding up or putting in boundaries around friends and family too much about me? What if I want it to be a certain way or I'd rather just hang out with these friends? Does saying no make me a bad person? What if I set up something a particular way and someone wants to change it? I've often struggled with when/if self-care becomes selfish and when I need to advocate for myself like saying, 'I need to be alone.' Or 'can we have this conversation later?' 'This is what I have capacity for, I'm not going to overdo it.' When do I bend and when do I hold fast? At what point does it cross into my being self-centered or does it never do that?
I am a person who is focused on other people's real and/or potential wants and how I can adjust the situation to satisfy them rather than what I might want. (Can you tell I have control issues? That's a different post.) I'll always put myself last. Whatever I need or desire is at the bottom of the list. Isn't that the right thing to do? Isn't that the Christian thing to do,
particularly as a woman? Jesus said to put the needs of others as higher than our own. I will make sure everyone else is fed, watered, and comfortable before I let myself sit down. I will brush off people's offers for help or tell them I'll eat later. If I know that this is better for you then I'll adjust my schedule, thoughts, emotions, etc. I struggle to tell you what I need or would prefer. As long as everyone else is happy then I'm happy, right? I can always see more to do or be done. Let someone else rest; I'll do it.
When you have been trained to do things for other people and when your workplace jobs have been to legitimately assist and serve others, it becomes really, really hard to break those patterns. Trust me, I'm trying to figure it out after 20+ years of this being ingrained in me. I find it in my relationships with my family and friends, with authority figures, with my supervisors. The closer I am to them and the more invested I am, the easier it can be to bend. Why rock the boat? I'll put up with some discomfort or miscommunication because it's easier if we don't talk about it. I don't like conflict and if I don't have to tell someone why they hurt me or why I'd prefer to not do something, that's just easier for all involved, isn't it? Even as I say it, I know I'm trying to put a band-aid on a deep wound which isn't actually solving anything but rather kicking the snowballing can down the road.
Instead I'm learning how to have direct conversations about things I'd rather avoid, how to let go, how to speak up for myself and say what I need, how to hold to my high standards, how to apologize and say I'm sorry, how to try again, how to not beat myself up over my mistakes, how to be righteously angry. I want to do more, be more, learn more, love more yet I have limits and capacity for only so much. How do I protect and care for myself so I can do what I love and am called to? How do I be faithful in the small and see beauty in the ordinary? So is self-care selfish? I think it can be and it could be an excuse for selfish behavior and motives. At the core, I don't think it is and if you take care of yourself as God intended and seek to love yourself the way He loves you, then it's not selfish at all. I'm struggling to love myself and see myself as worthy yet I know that's how He views me and His perspective is infinitely superior to mine.
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