Further Up and Further In

You can't step in the same river twice. You can't go home again. We've all tried to go back for something whether it was a relationship, a place, a memory, or an experience. We've tried to recapture that emotion; tried to bring something or someone back to life. I have done so only to realize that I couldn't recreate the conversation or hold onto the feelings. It wouldn't be the same. But maybe I didn't learn my lesson because I did go home again. Sort of.   I grew up in a residential recovery community called His Mansion Ministries. It's located on a 300+ acre working farm in New Hampshire and it's for men and women aged 18-35 who struggle with severe brokenness and life controlling behaviors and issues such as drugs, alcohol, certain mental health disorders, abuse, trauma, and pornography. My family lived and served there for nearly 11 years. I spent some of my most formative years at His Mansion. It was home. But... what is home? A place where I ...

Doesn't every relationship begin with being starry-eyed, Enamored, enchanted, infatuated? We began on hopeful terms 9 years ago You knew where you stood I was figuring out if I liked you or not You offered me the chance and I took it A year into the relationship The honeymoon phase had worn off It started to become more difficult But we worked through things I came out the stronger Year three was the hardest year yet Cynicism, busyness, and stress took their toll We even took a short break apart I appreciated you a lot more when we got back together The following year my world got shattered But you were there for me You stood by me as a support as everything else fell apart I don’t know what would’ve happened without you Yet I knew it was time to part ways We weren’t meant to be together any longer Which broke my heart Fast forward to two and a half years later You asked me to return to you and I did I was tentatively hopeful We both had changed and I didn’t know how we’d fit toget...

Yes, I'm late and yes, I'm one of those Christian women who have a word for the year. Don't make too much fun of me. It's a useful practice. My word for 2022 was hope . I was excited and nervous about it. There is so much to hope in but it also requires being vulnerable because you put part of yourself out there when you hope. It is exhilarating to have high hopes but also discouraging if those hopes come crashing down. Yet we are made to hope. It is what keeps us going, helps us to continue in the mundanity, and creates meaning in our ordinary lives. You've seen movies where a character gives up hope and you see the light go out from their eyes. They have no desire to live or do anything significant because they no longer have hope. We need hope to live as much as we need air to breathe.  So what happens when hope is unfulfilled? What occurs when that hope you've been holding onto doesn't come to pass? Why do you hope if it might get crushed and all you...

Here's an easy question: who's your favorite superhero? You probably have one whether you're 5 or 65 since we've been inundated with superhero stories, comics, and movies for decades. Our country and our world clearly adore these stories (how many Marvel movies are we at now?). We all know the set up. A big problem occurs. Something must be done or [insert seriously terrible consequences]. Protagonist is the only option. Protagonist fights/quests/does both and succeeds! The side characters, villains, and backstories make each story unique. For whatever reason superhero movies have never been my jam (my current total is 4). Perhaps why I don't gravitate towards them is because they feel too close to home. I'm already fighting my own fight. I don't desire to watch someone else's as flashy and cool as it may be. I've been told that I'm the only one fighting for myself for most of my life. It's a challenging and lonely place, why do you think the...

Look at the hopeful color of that! What? You can’t see the color? Why not?! You’re colorblind so… that means you can’t see certain colors. Oh no, there is such a multitude of beautiful, vibrant, pulsating, tangible colors such as hope, love, grace, and more! I wish you could see them… Wait, you can still see some colors, right? Which ones? Ahh, I understand. Yes, I see them too. The color of discouragement. Slow thunder greys and murky space blues. Shoulders slumping down in swamp greens and the brownness of heads bowing under the weight.  The color of COVID. Light blue and black crinkliness of masks. Blinding white starkness of hospitals. Too perky greens and yellows of disinfectant and cleaning supplies.  The color of burnout. Frenetic highlighter yellow and snappy pink of planners and calendars. Reddish orange fire-glow of zeal dying into white black embers of exhaustion. Sickly jaundice of anxiety.  Simmering crimson of anger. Sacred aubergine of lament and waiting....

Is it ever okay to fake it? Is "faking it" lying to people? If so, am I a terrible person every time I do it? These are moral questions I don't have answers to. Either I'm lying almost every day of my life or it's not truly a lie. We've all done it. We have all faked it till we made it, whether it's through a class, a day, a meeting, a season. It hurts, it's hard, it's not necessarily healthy but it is a regular occurrence. The funny thing is that pretending things are (mostly) okay usually works out in the end. I do still hold to the principles of honesty and integrity but I've also learned that sometimes you have to act like you can do it, pretend you feel it, or whatever it is, in order to do the good and needed things in life.  In college, I learned particular forms of faking it in regards to homework, relationships, extra-curriculars, existential and identity crises, and everything else in-between. And look, I made it! Out of college at le...

Once upon a time... because all good stories start with once upon a time, right? Once upon a time... there was a dragon and a little girl. The dragon lived in his lair and the little girl lived in her house. They didn't know each other yet. As the little girl grew older, whispers went out to the dragon beckoning him to her. The dragon would come to the little girl and talk to her. At the beginning, the little girl didn't realize she was talking to a dragon. You have to know that she had never seen a dragon before, no one had ever mentioned the word, "dragon", so how was she supposed to know what it was? The conversations were short and the little girl often left them feeling a little scared or ashamed without knowing why. As time went on, the dragon became closer and closer with the girl. He moved to living with her in her house and eventually going with her everywhere. This dragon was a very well behaved dragon. Most of the time he didn't show his face or breathe...