Confession: When I saw Les Miserables for the first time in the West End in London, I had no idea what I was getting into. I knew it was a famous musical... that was about it. So at intermission, my friends explained the plot and characters to me since I didn't know it was literally all music and listening to song lyrics isn't my strong point but it was still incredible. Whenever theaters reopen, if you haven't seen it, go do it. You won't regret it. Most of the songs from Les Mis are iconic but especially "I Dreamed a Dream" by Fantine. It is tragically poignant as we understand what it means to have had a dream and watch it get crushed by circumstances outside of your control. Interestingly enough, the word God gave me for 2020 was "dream". I look back in my One-line-a-day journal and my entry on January 1, 2020 is full of enthusiasm for the year ahead, wondering what will happen. Oh child, little did you dream.
I dreamed a dream in times gone by
When hope was high and life worth living
This was definitely how I started 2020. I had no notion yet of what was to come. It's only been a year but as many have said, it has felt 10x longer, more like a decade has passed. I had just started working at Wheaton College, a dream job, in my mind. I had good friends and community around me. I loved my small group and my church. Life was pretty good.
Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung, no wine untasted
These are the glories of youth, seeming invincibility, and the eager devouring of life. I can try out dreams and discard them if they don't fit me. I can live where I please and take whatever job I can as long as I have enough money. Feel free to plumb the depths of what the world has to offer, because why not? For those who know me, you know that this is not how I live my life but it is the picture painted by American society before those in their early 20s.
Throughout 2020, I struggled with the word, 'dream', wondering why God gave me that word for such a year as this. Reflecting back, I see some dreams have come true like working for Wheaton, my best friend moving to the area, and applying for grad school. Those are tangible things, dreams I can see having occurred. Perhaps other things are small dreams. I tend to think of dreams being grandiose and marvelous and sometimes they are. But maybe I need to step back and return to my mantra of being faithful in the small and seeing beauty in the ordinary. If I look at dreams with that lens, then there were many. Spending lots of time outside and seeing the seasons change, hosting people in COVID-safe ways aka lots of backyard bonfires, reconnecting with college friends over Zoom, having extended time with my siblings, and deepening friendships. Those are my "everyday dreams", so to speak. The ones woven through the ordinary that make up the story of my life. I'm reminded that I too often take for granted what are other people's dreams. I have a place to live, financial security, good health, a car, and so much more. Those are things that others dream of and I have in much abundance.
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather
I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream
What dreams did you have for 2020? Did they come true or did you grieve the death of those dreams along with so many other things? I didn't have specific ones but there are many things I would have dreamed that could not be. There were dreams that had to be let go of, to be modified, to be held onto. There were dark moments and when I was tempted, like Fantine, to give into despair. The darkness was overwhelming and I wondered what made life still worth living. But unlike Fantine, I have not given up hope. I don't believe that life has killed the dream or dreaming. I can't believe that or else I have no other reason to live. Her song is beautifully tragic as she struggles to continue living. She is too broken and beat down by the world to keep going even for her own child. As for me, I have the hope of Christ in me, however timid, small, and dim. That hope is there still and that's what I'm living for. One day Christ will return and banish all sadness, sickness, and death. We live expectantly for that day but until then, we live in this reality and the tension of both. The dream, the promise of the kingdom of heaven is there, friends. May you dream new dreams in light of God's sovereign dream that is coming true and will be ultimately fulfilled someday soon, we pray.
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